As I mention in several previous blogs, I am in a group called Clomid Crew, and the one who created it, Sam is truly an inpiration to me. She doesn't give up and she always supports us even if she is having a bad day. She doesn't let us down, ever. I was reading her blog tonight and I saw her "What if" post, similar to the one I had posted previously. I have time to sit here and think right now. I get the chance to express some, if not most of my "what if" lists.
What if..
What if Nate leaves me for someone who can give him the kids he longs for?
What if I never see those two lines again?
What if I feel less attractive because I am gaining weight from treatments?
What if we do IVF, and it fails?
What if we never get the chance to adopt?
What if another friend tells me they’re expecting?
What if I can never get passed the jealousy I feel towards woman who are pregnant or have kids?
What if I lose myself completely TTC?
What if I can't get passed the anger I feel towards myself for not being able to have children?
What if I would die for a child that I never get to raise?
What if our parents are disappointed that I am not making them grandparents?
What if I stop going out with friends for the fear that I am pregnant and something might happen?
What if I never hear the words, "I love you, mom."
What if I never get to celebrate mothers day?
What if I can't be the room mom like I want to be.
What if I don't get the chance to teach my children the importance of life?
What if I don't have to get up in the middle of the night to a screaming baby?
What if…
People [in my life, and online] enjoy telling me how "easy" I have it right now living the "newlywed" life. Let me tell you.. its not easy. We have had ups and downs since our marriage 15 months ago, but we are stronger because of it. We have suffered THREE miscarriages since then, and we have hit an all time low [for us]. My depression was getting better; I had learned to self medicate so to speak. I could tell what my triggers were and usually nip it in the bud, but now I have lost control.
Thursday morning I go in for my blood draw and after my ultrasound Friday, my hopes are high for a positive. I had extremely bad cramping and was doubled over in pain so my doctor had me rush in for an "emergency" ultrasound. She had me worried that it could be something called Ovarian Hyper-Stimulation Syndrome, but luckily it wasn't. Cynthia showed me on the monitor my ovaries; the right side first, which was not swollen at all, and my egg released. The left side followed and was not swollen and my egg released. She then showed me my uterus and what looked like an egg implanting. Once again, my hopes are high.
After the IUI this month, along with medications and lots of sex, our expectations are above average. I just hope we can live up to them.
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